Friday, July 22, 2011

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today, Jeffrey Dahmer's Dinner Got Away

[Sung to the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper.]

Today is July 22nd, 2011.  Jeffrey Dahmer is dead.  Before that, he was in prison, in the Columbia Correctional Institution in Portage, Wisconsin (which, come to think of it, is right near the Trog's neck of the woods).  And before that...

JD wasn't the fava-beans-and-a-nice-chianti kind of psycho, he was more of a blue collar type.  Still, he had style.  Backyard barbecue at Jeff's place?  You knew the shishkabobs were going to be genuine Bob.  He had a big freezer, too; that meant plenty of ribs, thighs, legs, whatever you want.  Unless you prefer white meat.  Dahmer was a homosexual, so, no breasts.  Sorry.  And seriously, don't ask about the rump roast.

He did make a nice open-face sandwich though.

[What, no jokes about finger food?-Too obvious.  -Even for you?-Shaddap]

Now granted, the man had unusual appetites.  But don't think of him as just a murderer and a cannibal, think of him as a hunter.  A locavore.  Dude was all about the environment.

However, he also had a tendency to play with his food.  And that caught up with him on July 22nd, 1991.  Twenty years ago, today.  His date, on this date, chose to live to date again, and took off into the loving embrace of police protection.  Momma Dahmer told him not to play with his food.  Did he listen?  No.  There's a lesson for all you kids out there, reading this.

Oh, also, if you're going to be picking up strangers in bars, at least sleep with them before you kill and eat them, okay kids?  Doing it in any other order is just gross.

Following his capture and the, um, media feeding frenzy, Dahmer was quickly convicted of 15 counts of murder, out of a possible high score of 17.  He took a shot at the insanity defense and whiffed.  For those 15 counts, he was awarded 15 life sentences, implying that he only had about 74 more days to live anyway because on November 28th, 1994, he was bludgeoned to death by another prisoner.  Early reports claimed it was merely an attempt to tenderize Dahmer; those reports were inaccurate.

JD was born on May 21, 1960, in West Allis, Wisconsin.  Which is right here in my neck of the woods.   Now excuse me, I gotta split.  Writing this post has made me a bit peckish.  Happy July 22nd!

2 comments:

  1. The Obama economic team, while considering the state of the U.S. economy, usually ask, "WWJMKD?" But now, more and more, they are asking, "WWJDD?"

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